Giving Zero Fucks.

I haven’t written anything in quite a while because I’ve been stifled. I’ve been stifled by the assholes of the world, including myself, and have retreated into a dark hole that sucks the creativity out of me with a force that knocks me off of my feet.

I am clawing my way out of this hole, making small progress each day until the time comes when I won’t feel its sharp nails sinking into the flesh of my mind. Maybe that day will come soon. I can only hope that it does.

I’ve been thinking about how to hold onto my creative voice a lot lately, and this is what I’ve come up with:

People are dicks. People judge, people lurk in the figurative shadows waiting to find that one piece of information to throw in your face. People fucking suck, but how does one rise above it? How do you continue to write/create without fear of being judged by others?

The time has come in my life to do what makes me happy. I have to take a step back sometimes and look at my existence from the outside to know that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. People will always judge me for what I write, how I write it, and I can’t change that. I can only love myself, live my life, and strive each day to give zero fucks.

 

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Mister Brown.

No matter how hard I try, Aaron is the one thing (besides drug addiction) that will haunt me forever. He shows up in my dreams, and in my weakest moments, I reach out to him, destroying whatever trust I’ve built up with my fiancé.

I know that it’s not logically worth risking my relationship over, but there’s something inside me that begs me to go on, to call him, to text him, to see him. It takes over my sensibility from time to time, and I cave in, only to regret it the next day.

Am I still in love with him? Is it those deep brown eyes that continue to draw me in after all these years? Or is it that he showed me what it was like to be completely possessed by addiction.. to be distraught and to have nothing, and to go on anyway?

There are times that I wish the memories would fade away and that I would be able to finally forget him, but most of the time I wish I could remember more.

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How to Deal with Non-Believers

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I honestly don’t think there’s anyone out there who truly believes in me, except for myself, of course. My fiancé has brought up the fact that I may never sell one copy of any of my books (already sold two, bitch). He supports my writing, but has no confidence that I will be able to make a living doing it.

There are times when his lack of faith in me makes me feel like shit. I mean, he is the person I plan on marrying one day, and if anyone in the entire world believed in me, you’d think it would be him.

I try to shake his negativity off. I try to work as hard as I can. I try to write the best chapters of my life in the hopes that I will be able to prove all the non-believers wrong. I will make a living writing, or I’ll die trying.

I’m sure this is an issue for many of you who are pursuing your dreams, and so I look around at the successful people in the world and remember that there were people who didn’t believe in them either.

It spurs me on, and I hope it does the same for you.

 

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Legitimate Work from Home Problems

The Top 5 Worst Aspects of Working from Home

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5. Motivation

It can be quite difficult to motivate yourself to be productive when you work from home. There are no supervisors breathing down your neck, just you and your own determination, which can be hard to muster up from time to time.

4. Procrastination

Not only is procrastination my middle name, but it’s also a huge problem for me in my work from home projects. I put my important tasks off so that I can do the ones I enjoy. Then I put them off a bit more. And those tasks that I really don’t want to do? They never get done.

3. Distraction

I have two weird little dogs and a fiancé that provide plenty of distractions for me during my “work” day. There are times that I welcome the distractions, but there are others when they can be extremely frustrating. From movies playing on our bedroom television to the maintenance man knocking on our door, working from home means you will never be free from all outside interferences.

2. Less Respect for your Designated Work Time

This is a HUGE one for me, as even when I tell my family that I’m working, I still receive phone calls, texts, emails, etc. When I worked for someone else, they knew not to contact me. However, working from home seems to make them think that I’m available all the time.

1. Pay Cut

I make a lot less money working from home than I did at my traditional jobs. For me, I still prefer to work from home as it gives me a sense of independence, and allows me to control my anxiety in ways that I could not when I worked for someone else.

 

For me, there are still a ton of positive aspects that outweigh the negatives mentioned above, but if you’re thinking of getting into a work from home situation, it wouldn’t hurt to keep this list in mind.

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The Way to His Heart

me and jason

This is my fiancé, Jason. We’ve been together for about four years now. We get excited to watch television series on Netflix or Hulu, and we enjoy playing with our two small dogs in our extremely modest one bedroom apartment in Dallas, Texas.

It’s been clear for quite some time that the way to Jason’s heart isn’t through his penis, which is weird for me, because that’s been the way to EVERY man’s heart that I’ve been with prior to meeting him. He’s taken me out of my comfort zone where blow jobs are the best way to end fights, and I’ve actually had to learn how to be an adult in a relationship.

The way to Jason’s heart is through bacon. And xbox and professional wrestling and being as normal a couple as we can be. And I’m finally okay with that.

There’s a point in life when I think we all start to evolve into our true selves. The things we once thought would make us happy, the things we thought we needed no longer pull at us in the way that they once did, and we become who we are truly meant to be.

 

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Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Over Your Ex

Moving on from a relationship can be tricky, and while I may not be the expert on getting over these things, I can tell you exactly how NOT to move on with your life.

Here are my Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Over Your Ex:

10. Reminisce abobreakup photout all of the good times.

Sure, you probably had some great experiences with your ex, but focusing all of your thoughts only on the positive times you shared will only cause you to view your ex and your relationship with him/her in a romanticized or idealized way. You weren’t perfect and neither were they. Remember the good times along with the bad and keep a realistic perspective on your time spent together.

9. Don’t throw away the keepsakes.

breakup2Holding onto items you collected from your previous relationship is a recipe for disaster. Maybe you have a stash of love letters you just can’t bring yourself to throw out. Perhaps it’s photos of the two of you together. These keepsakes or mementos only bring back memories and old feelings, which you are trying (desperately, if you’re anything like me) to get away from.

8. Talk about him/her as much as you can.

I have news for you, no one really wants to hear about your ex. I’m sure at some point you thought they were the one for you, but now that it’s over, talking about them is just plain weird. I’d like to note that your new boyfriend or girlfriend will get really tired of it really quickly. Just avoid this issue and stop talking about your ex. Problem solved.

7. Frequent the places where you two used to hangout.

breakup3Just like the mementos, going back to the places where you used to spend time with your ex will only bring up memories and cause your heart to heal even more slowly. There are some places that you can’t avoid going, like the grocery store or the park where you walk your dog, but try your best to stay away from the places that were special to you and your ex.

6. Be sure to drive by his or her house at least once per day.

breakup4This is creepy, and although I do admit to doing it on several occasions, it brought me nothing but pain. If you are anything like me, maybe you feel the incessant need to see what they’re up to, to see who they’re spending time with, but no one appreciates a stalker (or so I’ve found). Just like you, they’re trying to move on with their lives, and the best thing you can do is to allow them to do so. If you love someone, you must set them free, right?

5. Fantasize about sleeping with them.

breakup5When I say sleeping with them, I’m pretty sure that all you adults out there know what I mean. Was your ex the best you’ve ever had? I used to think that about a few exes of mine, but the thought nowadays is absolutely laughable. Romanticizing the sex life you had with your ex is normal, but it’s not healthy for you if you’re attempting to move on with your life. Pick up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and try your best to forget about them. Trust me when I say this — you will have better.

4. Stalk your ex on social media.

I think it’s normal to wonder what your ex is up to since you two have split, but don’t fall into the trap! Social media has made stalking your ex easier and more legal than ever, unfortunately. You may start on his or her profile and end up in a worm hole that’s 50 people deep. It’s temping, but don’t allow yourself to do it.

3. Text and/or call them from time to time.

breakup6I’m sure there are many people who will disagree with me here, but there’s really no reason (except mutual children) to keep talking to your ex. If you aren’t over the breakup and loss of the relationship, you have to admit to yourself that your motives are a little seedy. Perhaps you think that if you can get your foot back in the door with him or her that you will have another chance with them in the future. Remember that he or she is an ex for a reason. Your relationship ended for a reason. I highly recommend deleting his or her phone number from your phone and using your time in more productive ways.

2. Spend time together.

Spending time together or pretending that the breakup didn’t happen is a great way to find yourself even more devastated than before. Do you want to show your ex that you’re better off without them? The best way to do so is to end all contact and move on with your life. Living well is the best revenge!

1. Continue to have sex after the relationship has ended.

breakup7I’ve done it too many times to count, and each time, it was horrible for my emotional stability. Sure, we all have needs, and your ex is familiar, but you won’t die without sex, I promise you (sorry, guys). Whether we like to admit it or not, sex is an emotional process, and sleeping with an ex brings all of your feelings back into play. You will not truly be able to move on from him or her if you’re still hooking up.

 

 

 

If you’re still having trouble getting over your ex, remember that Adele and a pint of ice cream can go along way toward making you feel better.

breakup1

 

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Bad Dreams.

I went to bed early last night like the old woman of 35 that I am. I dreamt of my old job again, and of pleading with my boss to let me come back. Clearly I have unresolved issues because I have this dream rather frequently.

I quit my job two months ago or so, and I’ve been a wreck ever since. I struggle to find ways to make money, but I am spurred on by the hope that I can do something for myself that truly fulfills me.

This morning, upon waking up, I checked my site to see that I SOLD A BOOK. It’s a coloring book for adults that I created in a rather barbaric way, using MS Word and my brain’s expansive index of bad words. I sold one copy and I am on top of the world.

I choose to see my meager $1.07 royalty as a sign that I am finally on the right path in life. I choose to view that one sale as affirmation that sometimes it’s okay to step out onto the metaphorical ledge in life and see what happens.

In spite of all these bad dreams and all of the mistakes I’ve made that still follow me around, today I am hopeful for something better.

Cheers.

 

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