Giving Zero Fucks.

I haven’t written anything in quite a while because I’ve been stifled. I’ve been stifled by the assholes of the world, including myself, and have retreated into a dark hole that sucks the creativity out of me with a force that knocks me off of my feet.

I am clawing my way out of this hole, making small progress each day until the time comes when I won’t feel its sharp nails sinking into the flesh of my mind. Maybe that day will come soon. I can only hope that it does.

I’ve been thinking about how to hold onto my creative voice a lot lately, and this is what I’ve come up with:

People are dicks. People judge, people lurk in the figurative shadows waiting to find that one piece of information to throw in your face. People fucking suck, but how does one rise above it? How do you continue to write/create without fear of being judged by others?

The time has come in my life to do what makes me happy. I have to take a step back sometimes and look at my existence from the outside to know that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. People will always judge me for what I write, how I write it, and I can’t change that. I can only love myself, live my life, and strive each day to give zero fucks.

 

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Mister Brown.

No matter how hard I try, Aaron is the one thing (besides drug addiction) that will haunt me forever. He shows up in my dreams, and in my weakest moments, I reach out to him, destroying whatever trust I’ve built up with my fiancé.

I know that it’s not logically worth risking my relationship over, but there’s something inside me that begs me to go on, to call him, to text him, to see him. It takes over my sensibility from time to time, and I cave in, only to regret it the next day.

Am I still in love with him? Is it those deep brown eyes that continue to draw me in after all these years? Or is it that he showed me what it was like to be completely possessed by addiction.. to be distraught and to have nothing, and to go on anyway?

There are times that I wish the memories would fade away and that I would be able to finally forget him, but most of the time I wish I could remember more.

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How to Deal with Non-Believers

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I honestly don’t think there’s anyone out there who truly believes in me, except for myself, of course. My fiancé has brought up the fact that I may never sell one copy of any of my books (already sold two, bitch). He supports my writing, but has no confidence that I will be able to make a living doing it.

There are times when his lack of faith in me makes me feel like shit. I mean, he is the person I plan on marrying one day, and if anyone in the entire world believed in me, you’d think it would be him.

I try to shake his negativity off. I try to work as hard as I can. I try to write the best chapters of my life in the hopes that I will be able to prove all the non-believers wrong. I will make a living writing, or I’ll die trying.

I’m sure this is an issue for many of you who are pursuing your dreams, and so I look around at the successful people in the world and remember that there were people who didn’t believe in them either.

It spurs me on, and I hope it does the same for you.

 

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The Way to His Heart

me and jason

This is my fiancé, Jason. We’ve been together for about four years now. We get excited to watch television series on Netflix or Hulu, and we enjoy playing with our two small dogs in our extremely modest one bedroom apartment in Dallas, Texas.

It’s been clear for quite some time that the way to Jason’s heart isn’t through his penis, which is weird for me, because that’s been the way to EVERY man’s heart that I’ve been with prior to meeting him. He’s taken me out of my comfort zone where blow jobs are the best way to end fights, and I’ve actually had to learn how to be an adult in a relationship.

The way to Jason’s heart is through bacon. And xbox and professional wrestling and being as normal a couple as we can be. And I’m finally okay with that.

There’s a point in life when I think we all start to evolve into our true selves. The things we once thought would make us happy, the things we thought we needed no longer pull at us in the way that they once did, and we become who we are truly meant to be.

 

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