When I close my eyes, I see my daughters’ faces, their eyes pleading with me to put an end to the self-destruction that’s been ruling my life. I lie in my bed in the fetal position, my limbs jerking uncontrollably. The fog is taking over, and I know that the real pain is inching closer with each passing moment. I drift in and out of sleep, in and out of the dreams that feel like reality but sadly are not.
I sit in the bottom of the shower, too weak to clean myself. I sit there and I cry, and the steady stream of warm water feels like God smiling upon me. I sit naked in the bottom of my shower, my hands folded together in prayer for the courage and strength to get through this once and for all.
I close my eyes and I see their faces. I know that it will undoubtedly get worse, but it will also get better. My only chance in life is to continue down this path until I reach complete sobriety, and to chase it each day with the determination that I possessed when I was actively using drugs.
Tonight I will lie down without the false security that drugs gave me, and I will be okay. I will continue to close my eyes and picture the faces of the people that I love, because that’s what life is truly about.
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