Relapse Chronicles, Part 1

This is my story.


I’ve learned more about myself and about life and love in the past two months than I ever considered possible. It’s been a long road that I’ve been traveling along, and it’s time to go home.

It started with a bad decision. It seems as though all things in my life begin that way, but this particular choice would take me to a place that I wasn’t ready to go, to a place I thought I had long ago escaped. It would take me there, take everything from me, and then leave me lost, lonely, desperate, but I am not the victim.

I never was the victim. I was not the prey but the perpetrator. I am the black sheep and I am the wolf, baring my teeth to the world and sobbing in despair in the prison of solitude that I have created for myself.

It started with a bad decision, a desire that I gave into after years of pushing it away with all of my might. It was one of the most detrimental choices I’ve ever made, and I’ve made a lot of them in my 35 years on this planet. I went back, I gave in, I fell down, and I thought that I would never get back up again.

I went back to the place where it all began so many years ago. I went back for closure, for something new, for love. I went back with uncertainty and with hope, with fear and longing. I knew I should not have gone, but I went back.

I lied to everyone that I loved so that I could see him. I lied and they believed my stories, and I let the guilt pile up inside of me until that’s all there was. I became the kind of dishonest person that I’d always despised, the type of person that would do anything to get what they wanted. I was changing into someone I was ashamed of, someone I hated with all of my being but could not escape from. I was transforming into the person I used to be.

All of these years I thought that I would never get over him. I romanticized our relationship to the point that no one could ever be what he was to me. I knew that no one would love me the same way or make me feel the things that he did. And no one will because the love I thought we shared was a lie, a trick of the imagination that left a gaping void in my heart that nothing could fill.


The story goes on, as does life. Follow me as I shed this skin and become the person I am meant to be.

Thank you for being a part of this journey.


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Giving Zero Fucks.

I haven’t written anything in quite a while because I’ve been stifled. I’ve been stifled by the assholes of the world, including myself, and have retreated into a dark hole that sucks the creativity out of me with a force that knocks me off of my feet.

I am clawing my way out of this hole, making small progress each day until the time comes when I won’t feel its sharp nails sinking into the flesh of my mind. Maybe that day will come soon. I can only hope that it does.

I’ve been thinking about how to hold onto my creative voice a lot lately, and this is what I’ve come up with:

People are dicks. People judge, people lurk in the figurative shadows waiting to find that one piece of information to throw in your face. People fucking suck, but how does one rise above it? How do you continue to write/create without fear of being judged by others?

The time has come in my life to do what makes me happy. I have to take a step back sometimes and look at my existence from the outside to know that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. People will always judge me for what I write, how I write it, and I can’t change that. I can only love myself, live my life, and strive each day to give zero fucks.

 

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Mister Brown.

No matter how hard I try, Aaron is the one thing (besides drug addiction) that will haunt me forever. He shows up in my dreams, and in my weakest moments, I reach out to him, destroying whatever trust I’ve built up with my fiancé.

I know that it’s not logically worth risking my relationship over, but there’s something inside me that begs me to go on, to call him, to text him, to see him. It takes over my sensibility from time to time, and I cave in, only to regret it the next day.

Am I still in love with him? Is it those deep brown eyes that continue to draw me in after all these years? Or is it that he showed me what it was like to be completely possessed by addiction.. to be distraught and to have nothing, and to go on anyway?

There are times that I wish the memories would fade away and that I would be able to finally forget him, but most of the time I wish I could remember more.

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Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Over Your Ex

Moving on from a relationship can be tricky, and while I may not be the expert on getting over these things, I can tell you exactly how NOT to move on with your life.

Here are my Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Over Your Ex:

10. Reminisce abobreakup photout all of the good times.

Sure, you probably had some great experiences with your ex, but focusing all of your thoughts only on the positive times you shared will only cause you to view your ex and your relationship with him/her in a romanticized or idealized way. You weren’t perfect and neither were they. Remember the good times along with the bad and keep a realistic perspective on your time spent together.

9. Don’t throw away the keepsakes.

breakup2Holding onto items you collected from your previous relationship is a recipe for disaster. Maybe you have a stash of love letters you just can’t bring yourself to throw out. Perhaps it’s photos of the two of you together. These keepsakes or mementos only bring back memories and old feelings, which you are trying (desperately, if you’re anything like me) to get away from.

8. Talk about him/her as much as you can.

I have news for you, no one really wants to hear about your ex. I’m sure at some point you thought they were the one for you, but now that it’s over, talking about them is just plain weird. I’d like to note that your new boyfriend or girlfriend will get really tired of it really quickly. Just avoid this issue and stop talking about your ex. Problem solved.

7. Frequent the places where you two used to hangout.

breakup3Just like the mementos, going back to the places where you used to spend time with your ex will only bring up memories and cause your heart to heal even more slowly. There are some places that you can’t avoid going, like the grocery store or the park where you walk your dog, but try your best to stay away from the places that were special to you and your ex.

6. Be sure to drive by his or her house at least once per day.

breakup4This is creepy, and although I do admit to doing it on several occasions, it brought me nothing but pain. If you are anything like me, maybe you feel the incessant need to see what they’re up to, to see who they’re spending time with, but no one appreciates a stalker (or so I’ve found). Just like you, they’re trying to move on with their lives, and the best thing you can do is to allow them to do so. If you love someone, you must set them free, right?

5. Fantasize about sleeping with them.

breakup5When I say sleeping with them, I’m pretty sure that all you adults out there know what I mean. Was your ex the best you’ve ever had? I used to think that about a few exes of mine, but the thought nowadays is absolutely laughable. Romanticizing the sex life you had with your ex is normal, but it’s not healthy for you if you’re attempting to move on with your life. Pick up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and try your best to forget about them. Trust me when I say this — you will have better.

4. Stalk your ex on social media.

I think it’s normal to wonder what your ex is up to since you two have split, but don’t fall into the trap! Social media has made stalking your ex easier and more legal than ever, unfortunately. You may start on his or her profile and end up in a worm hole that’s 50 people deep. It’s temping, but don’t allow yourself to do it.

3. Text and/or call them from time to time.

breakup6I’m sure there are many people who will disagree with me here, but there’s really no reason (except mutual children) to keep talking to your ex. If you aren’t over the breakup and loss of the relationship, you have to admit to yourself that your motives are a little seedy. Perhaps you think that if you can get your foot back in the door with him or her that you will have another chance with them in the future. Remember that he or she is an ex for a reason. Your relationship ended for a reason. I highly recommend deleting his or her phone number from your phone and using your time in more productive ways.

2. Spend time together.

Spending time together or pretending that the breakup didn’t happen is a great way to find yourself even more devastated than before. Do you want to show your ex that you’re better off without them? The best way to do so is to end all contact and move on with your life. Living well is the best revenge!

1. Continue to have sex after the relationship has ended.

breakup7I’ve done it too many times to count, and each time, it was horrible for my emotional stability. Sure, we all have needs, and your ex is familiar, but you won’t die without sex, I promise you (sorry, guys). Whether we like to admit it or not, sex is an emotional process, and sleeping with an ex brings all of your feelings back into play. You will not truly be able to move on from him or her if you’re still hooking up.

 

 

 

If you’re still having trouble getting over your ex, remember that Adele and a pint of ice cream can go along way toward making you feel better.

breakup1

 

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