Relapse Chronicles, Part 1

This is my story.


I’ve learned more about myself and about life and love in the past two months than I ever considered possible. It’s been a long road that I’ve been traveling along, and it’s time to go home.

It started with a bad decision. It seems as though all things in my life begin that way, but this particular choice would take me to a place that I wasn’t ready to go, to a place I thought I had long ago escaped. It would take me there, take everything from me, and then leave me lost, lonely, desperate, but I am not the victim.

I never was the victim. I was not the prey but the perpetrator. I am the black sheep and I am the wolf, baring my teeth to the world and sobbing in despair in the prison of solitude that I have created for myself.

It started with a bad decision, a desire that I gave into after years of pushing it away with all of my might. It was one of the most detrimental choices I’ve ever made, and I’ve made a lot of them in my 35 years on this planet. I went back, I gave in, I fell down, and I thought that I would never get back up again.

I went back to the place where it all began so many years ago. I went back for closure, for something new, for love. I went back with uncertainty and with hope, with fear and longing. I knew I should not have gone, but I went back.

I lied to everyone that I loved so that I could see him. I lied and they believed my stories, and I let the guilt pile up inside of me until that’s all there was. I became the kind of dishonest person that I’d always despised, the type of person that would do anything to get what they wanted. I was changing into someone I was ashamed of, someone I hated with all of my being but could not escape from. I was transforming into the person I used to be.

All of these years I thought that I would never get over him. I romanticized our relationship to the point that no one could ever be what he was to me. I knew that no one would love me the same way or make me feel the things that he did. And no one will because the love I thought we shared was a lie, a trick of the imagination that left a gaping void in my heart that nothing could fill.


The story goes on, as does life. Follow me as I shed this skin and become the person I am meant to be.

Thank you for being a part of this journey.


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